what to do next.
on the day i left my “dream” job, i wrote: this is what happens next. THIS. whatever was happening, that was it. i quit without knowing what would come next – a huge leap i was so sure of, but couldn’t quite explain either – and i walked out on my last day still not knowing. but, that was it. my feet had left the ground.
this month marks three years since that day, which means i have officially been outside of that position for longer than i was in it – which is insane for more reasons than i have the time or space here to fully unpack. but here i sit, three years later. and, what did happen? how did i know, or decide, what to do next?
i’ve written about it here and there, but it’s a tricky thing to talk about when i’m still in-between, when things still look a lot like nothing. not many people know what to do with that or how to respond to a winter season that has stretched out over three years. in fact, my own conversations with God hold this posture. my most frequently prayed statement is, “i don’t get it.”
His most consistent response is, “you don’t have to; just keep going.”
in joshua 3:8, God essentially says this same thing to joshua when He gives him directions for the priests carrying the ark of the covenant: “when you reach the edge of the jordan’s waters, go and stand in the river.”
go and stand in the river.
how do i know it’s the right river? what if God didn’t say this river? what if He didn’t say anything at all? how do i know? what if He doesn’t hold back the waters? what if other people think i’m crazy? i’ve always heard you’re not supposed to go in those waters. i don’t think that’s right. what if i get washed away? can someone else go first? can i put on a bathing suit first, just in case? i don’t really want to do that; i don’t want to get wet. isn’t there a boat? what about a bridge? can i wait until someone else can come too? i think i might just jump in and start swimming; He said go, and i really want to go for it and be ALL IN.
i feel like i’ve spent the past three years coming to different rivers, agonizing over these same questions, and realizing the command is always just this:
go and stand in the river.
the other day, i was playing around with an idea God had given me. and by “playing around with” i mean i was playing moses. i was listing all the reasons i’m not the right person for this task. i wasn’t pushing back against it as much as i was conversationally asking about a few details.
and i know, i know, i know. i don’t need to know how, or why. i know what. but, can we talk about this first?
to which He replied, “but are you going to obey, or no?”
that kind of took my breath away. because, do you know what happened to moses? he didn’t get to go to the promised land. you know why? “because you did not trust Me enough” (numbers 20:12).
so, okay. i may not know what’s going to happen, but i know what to do next.