on getting a new job. (or, a farewell to unemployment.)

it doesn't feel like relief, or like i can finally breathe again. it mostly just feels nice to now have something to say whenever anyone asks.

i'm a nanny.

(the fun thing about this post is that i met my future employers five days after writing it.)

technically, i've been a nanny since december, but the families changed depending on the day. now, i have a consistent nanny job that makes it more official. my whole life is no longer up in the air.

it happened as casually as i thought it would. a friend texted me about a facebook post she saw about a nanny job. i reached out to the mom, met her and her husband and their sweet baby, and was offered the job five days later. the only difference is, i pictured this all happening about eight months earlier.

i feel like all i've talked about in the past nine months is my unemployment (because what else is there?) but in case you've missed the point: these months were important.

when i quit my job last july, unemployment was the thing i feared the most. it was the reason i hadn't, up until that point, been able to pull the trigger. it's a risky move, quitting without a backup plan, but i was certain that it was the thing i needed to do.

however, my brother-in-law had just been unemployed for ten months, so most of my prayers centered around my fear that i was headed in the same direction. please just don't let me be unemployed for ten months.

in early september, a couple weeks before i finished working, i got another job. it was a part time nanny position with a great family and it worked out for me to start right after my other job ended. it felt perfect, and like i could breathe easier knowing it was all working out.

i was devastated, days later, when the job fell through. it was the most confused and hopeless i'd felt, and i couldn't talk about it. the thing about quitting in faith is that you don't expect the next move to be unemployment. that doesn't feel like answered prayers or a solution. honestly, it feels more like god isn't showing up.

over the next eight months, i would come to learn that unemployment doesn't mean god isn't showing up, but that he isn't showing up the way i thought he would.

unemployment, a timeline.

at one month, unemployment still felt like a fun joke. i would tell people about quitting my job without having another one just to see their reaction. (it was either stunned speechlessness or overwhelming support.)

at two months, i landed a (temporary) job that was something of a dream. i held onto that job i had for so long, afraid that if i let go, i would miss out on opportunity. this is the month i learned that letting go means making room.

at three months, i was working and sleeping well on a tour bus because i had done something that day. spending four days in new york city made me feel the most hopeful about everything in life.

at four months, it felt like a vacation. i spent time in connecticut, in charlotte, in nashville, avoiding thinking about my job situation. i redesigned my blog in month four, because for some reason i kept coming back to it.

at five months, nothing happened. it felt like i'd lost all progress. i cried most days during month five.

at six months, i had to make a choice. i thought a lot about failure. i thought a lot about moving to charlotte. i thought a lot about how it felt like "i can't i can't i can't." my sister sent me that lauren daigle song, "trust in you," and i cried at the part where she says "there's not a place where i'll go, you've not already stood." this is the month i chose to fiercely believe god knew exactly where i was and what i needed and stopped fighting to find it myself.

at seven months, i worked a lot of babysitting jobs. i stopped watching netflix and started writing for real. this is the month i learned how god is faithful, and really does know exactly what you need.

at eight months, i realized how long i'd been unemployed and laughed out loud when i realized it had been almost ten months. i remembered my desperate pleas to avoid being unemployed for ten months, and that's when i knew i'd probably be getting a job soon. at nine months and three weeks, maybe. i didn't have to wait that long though. i got a job by the end of month eight.

at nine months, i finished up working other side jobs (aka, went on tour real quick) and started my new job. today, actually.

when i was offered this job, i was so shocked that i almost didn't take it. i had connected with so many people and applied (and interviewed) for so many jobs, and nothing had worked out. either they didn't choose me or i didn't choose them. until now.

it was almost like i'd been hearing "no, not yet" for so long that by the time i got a "yes," i doubted it. wait, really?

yes, really.

but i don't sleep better at night for having accepted the position. in the way that the job i'd had back in september made me feel secure, i have now had eight months of provision to prove that my security doesn't come from being employed.

so yes, i'm a nanny. today, officially. and i'm excited because of the job, not because it is a job. maybe that's the thing about those eight months. maybe i needed them to learn the difference.