t h a n k s g i v i n g | 2 0 1 5.

i am sitting on my bed, writing. i will probably eat yogurt and pretzel sticks and maybe go to my friend's house later for a friendsgiving. outside of a quick facetime chat, i will not see my family today. i have bus call at 6pm, and in the mean time, it's nice to just sit here. to not be packing clothes, but unpacking thoughts and words and gratitude.

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i am thankful for this period of what happens next.

quitting my job was a thing i'd thought about a lot, but i wasn't able to pull the trigger for so long because i was afraid. afraid to let go, afraid of what would happen next, afraid that i'd be giving up something i wasn't being fulfilled by only to find out there isn't actually anything better.

i'm thankful that what came next was a lot of quiet. after running and fighting and the chaos of trying to keep myself together, it was freeing to let myself fall apart, to not know the answers, to find out that you can't see what's better while you're still holding onto what's just okay.

i am thankful for the people who love me and support me and give me grace.

there is a chatterbox in my head, you know, that sounds a lot like the people i love. i hear their voices challenging me and warning me and offering me pieces of advice. they ask me questions like why i would quit my job without having another one or what i'm going to do instead and remind me of my responsibilities and that i should make safe, logical choices.

instead, my people have responded with understanding and kind words and encouragement. they tell me they can see how quitting was like a weight lifting off me, how they love to watch the ways i grow now that i'm no longer boxed in, how they believe in me. they remind me of my strength and the ways god is faithful.

i am thankful for the job i have and how the pieces fit together so well.

i saw a lot of closed doors in the past two months, and for the most part, i was okay with waiting because i was sure what i was waiting for would be worth it. nothing is perfect, but this job has crossed off everything i had on my metaphorical list and then some.

it worked out that i was able to apply and interview and meet the family in person as quickly as i did.

it worked out that it's a tour, which is a thing i've wanted since i moved to nashville and had started to feel like a forgotten dream.

it worked out that i'd be a nanny, which is something i know how to do so well.

it worked out that i'd be working with a team of nannies, so the intensity of the workload would be lessened.

it worked out that the three nannies get along and work really well together.

it worked out that the kids are adorable and challenging and sweet, and i'm genuinely excited to be back with them after an off day.

it worked out that the tour is only five weeks, so even if it turns out that i hate touring, it's only five weeks.

it worked out that it pays money.

it worked out that these people i'm spending my time with are some of the best, nicest, and most fun people.

i am thankful for my life right now.

as weird and as confusing as it is.