i remember having days (a lot of days) when i would be driving in my car, back when i still lived in ct, feeling so frustrated and confused. because i felt like God was holding out on me. like He was making me wait for some unnecessary reason, and causing me to miss out on everything. people always talk about how it all happens in God's time, but i just didn't understand why that time was not yet. why would He give me a dream and then make me sit on it? i'm missing it, i would think. and i would pray desperate and tearful prayers, because i knew that wasn't true. i knew He wasn't holding out on me. but i didn't see how waiting would be in any way beneficial, and the whole thing was making me anxious. just let me go already.
so, you know, i made multiple attempts to move forward on my own, without actually calling it that. i thought of it more like, testing Him. how about now? what about this? but every time, the door was shut. or slammed in my face, whichever. including that time i had an actual move date and an apartment and everything. because ultimately, when you're looking for the will of God in your life, you will find it even when you unknowingly try to sabotage it.
i did finally make it to nashville, obviously. i'm here. and it's funny, because while i was still in ct, i was convinced that every day that passed was a missed opportunity. but now that i'm here, i'm convinced that every day that passes is an opportunity that i would have missed if i had moved even a day sooner. because, if i had moved any sooner, it would have been too soon for these pieces to fall into place.
and, i just wanted to write this out so i wouldn't forget it. because, things probably would've worked out well enough if i had moved sooner. just like i think they would have if i had stuck with my original plan of living in new york. but i don't want well enough, i want even better than i can imagine. and as much as the waiting is hard, and exhausting and frustrating and provides plenty of room for doubt, He is even more faithful and His timing is perfect.
even if it feels like you're missing it, you're not.