may.

i never really got past the idea that it's already may. and now may is over. um? it was a good month, though. very eventful. and very well documented, at least as far as my personal journal is concerned. i wrote a lot this month. i think that helped a lot of things.

1. i started blogging again regularly.

2. i had my last day of work. my coworkers threw me a party with delicious food and yummy cupcakes.

3. i didn't move to nashville.

4. i still went to nashville for vacation & a wedding.

5. i saw blue like jazz.

6. i went to florida.

7. i flew by myself.

8. i ran color me rad.

9. i worked out this many times:

10. i read my two books for this month.

hello wednesday.

here's what's new & noteworthy this week:

elenowen – elenowen ep

did you watch the first season of the voice? they were on team blake, but didn't make it past the first round. honestly, they have the talent to win, or at least make it a few more rounds. but i guess that's just me? i love them. their new stuff is so good, too.

noteworthy tracks: "blood and bones" & "head to my heart" / itunes

dave barnes – hey now (single)

i'll be honest. i previewed this song on itunes and my first thought was, wait, what? for some reason, i wasn't expecting what i heard, but as i kept listening, it made sense. this song is so dave. i love it. and it's a new single, released two and a half months after an album release? yes, please.

/ itunes

color me RAD.

josh credit, me, jenn, rel, abby, james.

since i didn't move yet, i got to run color me rad. which, basically, is a 5k (not timed) where you wear a white t-shirt and as you're running, they throw color on you. so fun, right? (it is.)

above is the 'before' photo. the letters on our stomachs (or, in james' case, abs) spell out "paneckimania," which was our team name. and, let me tell you, we were the best team out there. by far. (i'm just being honest.) as you can see, we had those awesome bandannas, decorated shirts, and james strapped on a speaker with his ipod so we had music to run to.

below is the 'after' photo. after all the fun and the running and the color and the banana eating. (or, in rel's case, the banana holding, since she didn't eat hers, but simply held it in all our photos.) the thing about our color was that we were serious about it. i saw a lot of people at the end with nice splashes of color on their mostly-still-white t-shirts. we, on the other hand, made sure that we were covered. to the point where the colors started to mix and almost looked brown, if you didn't look closely.

the race was SO much fun, but we didn't stop there. we drove around, looking for places to go in all our color. we carpooled, so we were all together, rocking out to loud music with the windows down. (love.) first, we went to starbucks. then to cvs, so abby could get medicine. lastly, we went to evergreen walk and had lunch at moe's. we got some interesting looks, a few questions, and people who either knew why we were colored or who were also colored themselves.

it was awesome.

#lovethem

a metaphor.

i think it's like this:

in 2009, God gave me a car. a shiny, new car that was fabulous and perfect and, for the sake of the story, let's say it was pink. the kind of thing that made my eyes grow wide and my jaw drop. that's MINE?

i was obsessed with it. it was all i could think about. i knew i couldn't drive it just yet, but that didn't stop me from sitting in class, daydreaming about it, and maybe even sneaking a peek at it every once in a while. such beauty, i couldn't even believe it was mine. that He gave it to me.

in 2011, i got in and sat in the driver's seat. i was ready to go, key in the ignition. that's when i noticed the missing gas pedal. what? who gives someone a car that doesn't have a gas pedal?

i told God about it, thinking maybe He just forgot. but He said He didn't forget. okay, but uh, how am i supposed to go anywhere? you don't, He said. you wait.

so i waited. sometimes patiently, sometimes impatiently.

in 2012, the gas pedal appeared. YES. finally. i turned the key, slammed my foot down on the pedal, and i was off.

but something felt wrong. i was going too fast. God, why did You give me a car that went this fast? my hands gripped the wheel, but i couldn't control it. i crashed right into a wall. and the pieces fell apart. God?

He was miles behind me. i'd left Him in the dust and had to crawl my way back to Him. thankfully, He is a God of grace, who fixes the things i break.

next time, He says, let Me take the wheel.

#borderline hoarder.

"i guess i just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that lasts forever, like a greeting card?" – tom, (500) days of summer

i have been cleaning out my room and continuing to pack, even though i technically don't have a new move date. i guess i'm just figuring that by the time all of my belongings are in boxes, it will be time to move. i don't know. but i found this box of old cards that i have saved over the years. and by "old," i mean i have cards saved from as far back as 2003.

okay. i was a freshman in high school in 2003. the birthday cards i received that year were for my 14th birthday. what kind of 14 year old thinks to herself, i'm going to save all my birthday cards this year. just because. ? although, this was around the time that i finally got my own room, so maybe i was a little overexcited to finally have my own space to store random things like birthday cards.

but then, what was my excuse for saving all of my graduation cards that i received, for my high school graduation?

i was telling T yesterday that there is just something about cards that makes me feel like i can't throw them away. but what is really the point in saving them? especially since i chose to keep mine stored in a box in my closet, which is very, very small. it's kind of like how james marsden's character in 27 dresses tells katherine heigl's character that saving all her bridesmaids dresses is a waste of valuable new york apartment closet space. except i don't live in new york. and mine are greeting cards, not bridesmaids dresses. although i do have a couple bridesmaids dresses in there.

but back to the point. since i just found my old stash of cards and went through them all, i did come up with a few possible reasons why you might want to keep the cards people give you. (because, yeah, i did end up still saving a few.)

1. to be able to see how much has changed, in a more tangible way. (example: your cousin once signed your birthday card from her, her husband, and "baby." but that baby, who turned out to be a girl, is now four years old.) (there were also a whole slew of cards from people i don't even speak to anymore.)

2. the picture on the front is pretty, and you have good intentions to possibly frame it one day. (or you have actually framed it already.)

3. it is a funny card that makes you laugh out loud each time you re-read it.

4. it is a homemade card. (these are the BEST, especially if they are from your 20-something year old sister named T and include pictures of dinosaurs that she traced using a stencil.)

5. it is from someone you love, who also wrote an awesome message that you will want to re-read.

other than that, there is no need to be wasting precious closet space. you can always just take a stroll down the card aisle at your local target if you're ever feeling like you might be regretting that you didn't save all of your graduation cards and birthday cards from the past nine or so years.

life. music. Jesus. amen.

life has been a little weird. so is my blogging schedule. i'm still trying to get a handle on things. which i've been saying for a couple of months now, and will probably continue to say. i think that's just life. these are things no one tells you about when you're young, but that's a post for another day.

today's post is about music. (mainly Jesus music.) it's wednesday! here's what's new & noteworthy:

jon mclaughlin – promising promises

he's got one of those voices, you know? i can't get enough of it. which makes it awesome that he has released ANOTHER new album. i say another because he just released one last year (forever if ever), which took him a while to put out because of that's what happens when people leave record labels. things take longer. but we're here now and yay for more new music. keep 'em coming, jon.
noteworthy tracks: "you never know," "summer is over (feat. sara bareilles)," & "maybe it's over (feat. xenia martinez)" / itunes

mercyme – the hurt & the healer
my love for mercyme is directly related to their recording of the song "i can only imagine." because of that, they will always be on my list. and so here they are.
noteworthy tracks: "the hurt & the healer" & "you are i am" / itunes

phil wickham – singalong 2
this man is so incredibly talented and the singalong albums are just the live versions of his amazing songs. the best part about this one is that IT'S FREE. all you have to do is go to www.philwickham.com, type in your name and email address, and you will be emailed the link to download. it does not get better than that.
noteworthy tracks: "you're beautiful," "all i am," & "cielo" (based on the fact that i love the studio recordings of these songs) / free download

video of the day.

someone i follow (i can't remember who) retweeted a link to this video today. i thought it was pretty neat and worth sharing.

blood brothers, by ingrid michaelson.

but also, if you're interested, the wedding video from jordie & trent's wedding was posted. you can click here to watch it, and i highly suggest you do because it is such a great video and it really captured the day, i think. (or at least, better than my words did.)

my backwards life.

remember that time i quit my job because i was planning on moving, and then i decided not to move just yet, but i still quit my job anyway?

it's weird. i'm still figuring out how to adjust. my weekends feel like weekdays because they're busy with activities and weekdays feel like weekends because i can pretty much do whatever i want.

at this point, it still feels pretty awesome, but give me a couple weeks and i will be shedding a tear for every dollar of savings i use to pay my bills. i know it's coming.

but until then, i'm going to enjoy it.

p.s. this post by annie about not wasting your summer is perfect.

some thoughts on flying by yourself.

ever since i flew for the first time when i was 16, i have been entirely fascinated with airports and the people in them. including the man who checks your bag, the woman who tells you to make sure your pockets are empty because their new security equipment will detect it, the cashier who tells you it will be $8 for your sandwich, the barista at starbucks who's making a double chocolatey chip frappuccino for the first time, the flight attendants and pilots who walk through the airport with identical looking luggage. and, of course, the travelers.

everyone has a story, and there's something about an airport that makes me wonder what they are. everyone is coming or going (or working) and if you look around at the people waiting, a good number of them are alone. my questions for these people are endless. why are they alone? where are they going? are they working? are they visiting family or friends? do they have family or friends to visit? how long are they staying for? how do they fit everything into that small carry on suitcase? do they use hotel shampoo? or are they staying with someone who is willing to share their shampoo?

up until sunday, i had always been one of those people with someone. these groups are easier to figure out because they talk to each other, especially if they have little children. they're visiting grandma or family who hasn't seen their newborn baby yet or maybe they got engaged while on vacation.

on sunday, i became one of those people who was alone and i was suddenly aware that i was a part of this group of people who i wonder so much about. i'm basically an introvert in all aspects, but i did chat with a few people i sat next to on the airplane.

on my first flight by myself, i sat with a 29 year old woman who was absolutely hates flying, which is probably why she was holding onto a well-loved, stuffed bananas in pajamas doll, and was relieved to find out that they were serving complimentary drinks for mother's day. when she asked for another drink and the flight attendant told her no because we were landing, she asked me if  our flight was on time or if we were landing for an emergency because she noticed the wings looked weird.

on my second flight by myself, i sat with a young girl who was working on an outline for an essay or short story or something. she drank diet coke and we didn't speak to each other.

on my third flight by myself, i sat with a 17 year old girl who's family had moved to florida four months ago, during her senior year, but she managed to finish her classes and graduate early. she was flying back to ct so she could go to her prom and see all of her friends. she hates flying at well, but it's mostly just taking off and landing that freak her out.

i don't mind flying. and i also don't mind flying alone. i could write pages about the people who travel by themselves. i may never know their stories, but i will still wonder about them.

florida.

on sunday, i flew BY MYSELF (for the first time) from nashville to jacksonville. basically, since i wasn't moving, i wasn't driving. and since i wasn't driving, i had to buy plane tickets. i got on my parents' flight to nashville, but home from nashville? that would cost more than my flights to jacksonville and home from jacksonville. combined. so, hello extended vacation.

unfortunately, i brought the rain with me. each afternoon is has rained. and when it rains in florida, it rains. or, as my aunt says, it buckets. and you don't want to do anything except sit inside next to the window and watch it. but the other thing about florida rain is that it lasts maybe 20 minutes and then it goes away. but these past few afternoons, it's been like that, except over and over. hot and sunny, then dark and buckets. repeat.

the mornings were lovely though. we went out to the beach or walked around downtown (on amelia island) and it was awesome. it was a good mix of doing something and doing nothing (because i'm the kind of person who is okay with doing nothing. unlike my mom, who will tell you relaxing is "boring") while on vacation. it was much needed and it was great to see my two aunts that live down there.

the trip back home was not exciting because one) i was going home, which feels less like home and more like the place where my people are. i've missed the people, not the place. and two) i had the worst flight from jacksonville to baltimore, which included lots of turbulence that caused the flight attendant to have to sit in the aisle until the plane was steady enough to find her seat and a landing that almost made me pee my pants.

but i made it, and i actually got to witness the homecoming of some military (army?) men and women returning from afghanistan at the airport. so sweet. it reminded me of this quote from "extremely loud & incredibly close," which is so accurate. there is nothing quite like the look of anticipation on the faces of those who are waiting, only a few more minutes, for their people to return from war.

yes, i still like music.

it has been AGES (or like, a month and a half) since i wrote a music post. mainly because when everything else feels like it's falling apart, i mostly just want to listen to music and not talk about it. now, i'm not saying everything has found its place again, but i guess i'm ready to talk about music, as well as listen to it.

this list is a bit different because i don't actually own some of these, but they're on my 'want' list, so i thought i'd include them too.

let's go alphabetically, shall we?

butterfly boucher – butterfly boucher

butterfly boucher is a part of 10 out of tenn, so i'm a fan who is limited to the tracks she has on the TOT albums. she released her full-length album about a month ago and it's worth checking out. she has a fun sound, which is bit different from what i usually listen to.

noteworthy tracks: "5678!" & "not fooling around" / itunes

eric hutchinson – moving up living down

i love the songs "watching you watch him" and "breakdown more," but also this video is pretty awesome as well. from what i can tell, the rest of the album is equally amazing. i have it on my 'wish list' for when someone decides to surprise me with an itunes gift card. (any takers?)

noteworthy tracks: "watching you watch him" & "breakdown more" / itunes

greg laswell – "come back down (feat. sara bareilles)"

this was a free download on itunes a few weeks ago and it's now on my playlist of songs that i'm currently in love with.

/ itunes

karmin – "brokenhearted"

i know, i know. it's a radio single. (i hate those.) but it's so good and catchy and i have the rest of their album on my 'wish list', but so far, this song is doing it for me. i haven't listened to the other tracks yet, so i can't speak for them, but this song is worth a listen. these people are so unique and talented and they deserve the attention they've gotten.

/ itunes

maroon 5 – "payphone (feat. wiz khalifa)"

i heard this song on the radio the other day. i never listen to the radio since i got a new car with a fancy ipod hookup thing, but i was just going down the street, so i figured i'd see what the radio is playing (overplaying) these days. that's when i stumbled upon this gem. i think the radio version is better than the explicit version, but that's just my opinion. also, maroon 5 has a new album coming out on june 26, which i was previously unaware of. i'm excited (and curious) to hear the new stuff. so far, so good.

/ itunes (the link is to the clean version.)

mat kearney – young love (deluxe version)

mat re-released this album with five additional bonus songs, PLUS his video for "ships in the night." seriously? this man is super talented and i hope he never stops doing his thing. (including the rapping!) fortunately, the deluxe tracks are not album only, so feel free to download them individually like i did. however, if you don't already own the original album, please do yourself a favor and drop the entire $14.99. it will be well worth your investment.

noteworthy (deluxe) tracks: "seventeen" & "runaway." / itunes

owl city – shooting star EP

since when does owl city release EPs? since yesterday, apparently. i actually haven't taken the plunge and downloaded it yet, but i am a dedicated owl city fan, so it's only a matter of time before i do. i guess when that happens, i'll let you know if it's worth the $4.26.

noteworthy tracks: TBD / itunes

the vacation that wasn't supposed to be a vacation.

technically, i am still on vacation, but i'm talking about nashville. i was supposed to move last week, remember? which means i should currently be a nashville resident. however, i am not. and also not dwelling on it. at least, i'm trying not to.

moving on. as i mentioned yesterday, my vacation photos are limited to those that i took with my phone, most of which i uploaded to instagram (@sarahhsquires). so here is a summary of the week, as seen by my instagram followers:

1. i flew to nashville. (monday.)
2. i am obsessed with cloud photos. (still monday.)
3. i saw blue like jazz. (tuesday.) (technically, that picture was not taken during the week, but i'm still using it.)
4. i ate dinner at burger up. (wednesday.)
5. i ate lunch at the loveless cafe. (thursday.)
6. the loveless cafe has THE tastiest biscuits. (still thursday.)
7. i spent the day in franklin. (friday.)
8. i ate sweet cece's in franklin. (still friday.)
9. i ate delicious mini doughnuts at an airport restaurant, which was the only thing that made me feel better about the fact that i was leaving nash. (sunday.)

other comments on my vacation which are not accompanied by photos, but may (or may not) provide more details about my week:

1. i wish it wasn't a vacation.
2. already mentioned (and blogged about), but BLUE LIKE JAZZ. yes. amazing.
3. lots of walking up and down broadway.
4. i have absolutely no memory of what we did on wednesday, other than dinner at burger up.
5. we saw the avengers on thursday. i would classify it as "one of those boy movies that i wouldn't mind watching three or twelve more times." thanks to the awesomeness of rdj and chris evans. (obviously, my parents and i like to travel to far away states to go to the movies. it's fine.)
6. we spent the day in franklin on friday with some of my parents' friends (whose daughter was in the wedding) who also live in ct, but we never see them, you know, when we're all in ct.
7. the wedding, of course, was on saturday.
8. it rained a lot on sunday and i told my parents that i'm pretty sure nashville was crying because i was leaving.

trust me, the feeling was mutual.

happy wedding day, j & t.

i have turned into this person who doesn't take pictures with a camera that's not attached to my phone. which doesn't work out very well when my phone is an android. know what i mean? so i have approximately zero pictures of the happy couple (jordana & trent), but i do have a lovely photo of their wedding cake. (see above.)

the wedding, though, was beautiful. and so unique! i loved it. trent walked his mother down the aisle and jordie walked with both of her parents down the aisle, after her flower girls dropped colored feathers instead of flowers (love!). they wrote their own vows (so sweet!) and had the best wedding music. (seriously though, can i get a soundtrack, or?) their reception was fun with agua fresca drinks (i had watermelon lime – so good) and tacos from the mas tacos food truck. so different, but so fun! and also, there was some pretty stellar dance moves out on the dance floor. such great entertainment!

of course, there were many more cute details (the dress, the colors, the centerpieces, the photobooth), but it's hard to describe those without photos. (my bad.)

my parents and i actually ran into trent (and a very sleepy jordie) at the airport yesterday morning and their flight out of nashville was delayed, which meant they might miss their connecting flight! according to facebook, they did make it though. phew!

in conclusion, i have no relevant photos, the wedding was super cute, and they are on their honeymoon. (and i am apparently obsessed with using parentheses in every sentence.)

congrats to jordie & trent!

infomercials.

particularly stellar products i have seen advertised during my sunday morning and afternoon (and possibly evening) viewing of less-than-mediocre, made-for-tv movies:

gojo: the hearing aid disguised as a bluetooth, which is advertised as a device you can use to hear things you wouldn't normally be able to hear. for example: birds chirping in nature, other people's conversations across the room, or perhaps the three girls sitting by the pool who are commenting on how good you look in your bathing suit as you walk by. because that happens, you know, all the time. you just can't hear the nice things those people are saying behind your back.

orGREENic non-stick pan: the miracle non-stick pan that can beat a regular pan into a misshaped form. also, you can cook eggs on this pan and then simply blow them off the pan when they're done cooking. if that's not amazingly non-stick, i don't know what is. who wants to use a spatula when they can just blow their eggs off the pan?

(i forgot the name): this headband-looking strap holds your phone to your head so you can have both hands free while talking on the phone. because having a bluetooth is too inconvenient, and why hold the phone to your ear with your shoulder when you can have this fancy headband?

(also forgot the name): this french manicure application brush makes at-home french manicures super easy. the product is a great idea (as long as it works), but the infomercial featuring a group of ladies sitting around a table using the brush and being amazed at how easy it is to paint your own french tips is what got me. because no one does that.

lipozene: the pill form of liposuction. need i say more?

magic mesh: the screen door that's actually not a door, but a net that "magically" opens and closes itself as you walk through it. the commercial informs you that "the secret isn't really magic, it's magnets!" i would just like to meet someone who has purchased this product and give them a high five.

ring so brite: it's "like a miniature washing machine for your ring!" brought to you by the same ladies who gave themselves the french manicure. with a tagline like that, just where can they go wrong?

yoshi blue skillet: see the "orGREENic non-stick pan" description, including the awesome thing about blowing eggs off the pan, but make it blue.

style wrap: i saved the best for last. because, that name? really? and, the inventor of this product is clearly the best friend of the inventor of the snuggie. because this product is literally the sweatshirt-tied-around-the-waist idea, but it's just a piece of fabric you tie around your waist and not actually a sweatshirt. so, if you happen to get a little chilly, you might as well get out your snuggie because your sure don't have a sweatshirt to put on.

of course, there were lots of other gems advertised, but these are just the ones i remember. feel free to google these products and see for yourself how ridiculous they are. (or, at least, how ridiculous the infomercials make them out to be.)

adventure.

i remember new year's of 2010 and thinking that year was going to be an adventure. it was. T got married that june and, while it was more of a change for her, my life would certainly feel the effects. after all, she is my best friend and having her move from the next bedroom over to the next town over was big. huge. i cried a lot. not necessarily because i was sad, but because that's how i handle things sometimes. i cry.

but it was certainly an adventure. the planning, the wedding, the change. eventually, all of that change turned into the new normal and all was well again. and i stopped crying so much.

this past new year's, i had that same adventure feeling. but this year, it would be my adventure. i made plans, i created lists, i had dreams. of course, all of those things are messed up and confused, but one thing still stands. this year is definitely going to be an adventure. one for the books. and mainly because, as i've said before, i have no idea what i'm currently doing.

i keep wishing this middle part would be over already because, honestly, it's painful. but i also try to remember to enjoy the adventure. because, one day, it will be over and the change will turn into the new normal and i will stop crying so much.

and you know what happens then? a new adventure.

blue like jazz.

it's weird being in nashville. on vacation. with my parents. despite everything, i just want to live here, and i can't help but wonder what this week would be like if i was still moving. it's weird. i'm trying not to dwell on it.

in other news, i'm re-reading blue like jazz, by donald miller. it's been a while since i've read it, but also, connecticut doesn't have any theaters that played the movie. so i'm doing the next best thing by reading the book again. and, as i mentioned yesterday, it occurred to me on the plane that the movie was playing in nashville and that it might still be playing.

good news, guys. IT IS. and i went and saw it today. with my parents. which i thought might be kind of awkward because of the content (more like how it was presented) and also because it's more indie than they're used to. it was obviously my type of movie, but i wasn't sure how they'd take it.

if you've never heard of it, you can check out the blue like jazz the movie website, where you can view the trailer and read more about it. (or you can read blue like jazz the book, on which the movie is based.) but basically, it addresses Christianity in a very real and practical way. it's definitely not your typical, cheesy Christian movie, that's for sure.

in my opinion, it was an absolutely fantastic movie. i LOVED it. a bit different from the book (from what i remember), but i've read a million miles, so i know the details don't really matter. the message, though? so good. i loved the music too. and, my parents enjoyed it as well. it was basically a win in every category.

if you have the chance, please do yourself a favor and check it out. if not, make a note so that when it comes out, you can also see what i'm talking about. it'll be worth it, i promise.

21 things to do on an airplane from hartford to nashville.

1. chew gum. swallow your spit. plug your ears. close your eyes. remember that it is very unlikely that your ears will actually explode.

2. look out the window. take lots of cloud pictures.

3. daydream about what your life would be like as a flight attendant. think about how, if you were a flight attendant, you'd probably talk as fast as they do.

4. order a dr. pepper. spend the entire flight time taking small sips until it's gone.

5. look at the sky mall magazine. wonder about the kinds of people who actually order products from the sky mall magazine.

6. look at the "spirit" magazine. wonder how long southwest has had its own magazine.

7. see where "bags fly free" (and you fly not free) on southwest airplanes. notice that albuquerque is an option. listen to "48 to go" by the fray. (look up the lyrics to see the connection there.)

8. land in baltimore. stay on the plane.

9. change seats and move up.

10. listen to your dad list all the reasons why he liked the other seat in the back of the plane better.

11. turn your phone off airplane mode and check twitter and instagram. (@sarahhsquires)

12. get up to go pee. sit back down because someone is in there and more passengers are about to board the plane.

13. chew more gum.

14. take more cloud pictures. realize that you cannot capture the beauty. think about how amazing God is because He made that.

15. order another dr. pepper. get really excited about it. drink it in five minutes this time.

16. take notes when the flight attendant tells you how to tell if there is someone in the bathroom.

17. don't actually go to the bathroom while on the airplane.

18. listen to the fray again. the whole album this time.

19. read the (best?) chapter of don miller's blue like jazz, where penny talks about how the bible is a chocolate thing and how she wants to be the good soil.

20. make a mental note to check to see if blue like jazz (the movie) is still playing in a theater in nashville.

21. listen to the flight attendant say "welcome to nashville" after you've landed and think about how much that feels like "welcome home."

that day i didn't move to nashville.

if you told me three months ago that would be the title of today's post, i would've rolled my eyes at you and said, "yeah, right. i'm moving." because three months ago, i was so sure of it. i had packing boxes and bare walls and a paper chain to count down the days. of course, that was before things started to fall apart. before i started to fall apart.

yesterday was a pretty weird day, knowing it was the day i was supposed to move and make "someday" turn into today. it didn't really hit me until saturday night, when i suddenly started wondering how different these past few days (and weeks) would've been if i was still moving. i wondered what it would feel like to know that only a few days separated me from my dream. and i wondered if i would ever know what that felt like.

but i know i will. because 'may 6' was a date i talked about a lot in the past few months, but it never felt like a date that would actually come, but it has. moving is something i talked a lot about in the past few years, and even though it feels like something that won't actually come, it will.

also, i always thought that as long as i was living here, i would just work for my mom. but friday was my last day of work. which kind of reminds me of what don miller talks about in a million miles. about how "characters don't really choose to move. they have to be forced." (that's on page 101, in case you wanted to go read about it.) and about how sometimes, characters have to create their own inciting incidents.

quitting my job without having any plans whatsoever is kind of like my own personal inciting incident.

that time i changed my mind.

the anxiety. oh, the anxiety. there is nothing quite like it. and not in a good way. oh my gosh.

in short, anxiety completely consumed me in ways i didn't know were possible. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, i couldn't even talk about it. or talk at all. (this includes replying to emails and text messages.) i just kept thinking and thinking and thinking and hurting and crying. i felt so broken inside that i almost expected myself to literally crumble to pieces on the floor as i walked down the hallway.

ultimately, i decided that if i couldn't even stand up straight in the comfort of my own home (which, let me tell you, did not feel comfortable in the least), there would be no possible way i could survive by myself in a city a thousand miles way from everyone i know.

and there you have it. the reason i'm not moving to nashville on may 6.

now i'm in an extremely awkward position for the following reasons:

1. have you been reading my blog? or talked to me in the past two years? moving to nashville was the topic of 97% of my conversations and i'm choosing not to go when i had a perfectly good opportunity to. so.

2. people seem to be pretty understanding when i tell them i'm not actually moving, but i am not convinced they understand anything. therefore, i don't want to talk about it, but everyone wants to ask about it.

3. i wish i was still moving on may 6.

4. i feel like i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

5. no, because literally, i have no idea what i'm doing.

you know, i remember thinking about 2012 before it was 2012 and i remember feeling like it was going to be an adventure.

oh, the things i would say to my past self.

april reads.

is everyone hanging out with me? (and other concerns), by mindy kaling

i've had this book in my "to read" pile for months and i finally just got around to picking it up. i read an excerpt from it around the time it was first released and i loved it so much, i decided i wanted to read the whole thing. and, the whole thing is just as good as the few pages i previewed.

it's pretty much your standard non-fiction book by a comedy writer about her life experiences. it's light and funny and i would like to be friends with her in real life. also, the thing about mindy (yes, we're on a first-name basis), and this book, is that she's into comedy–obviously. and, while i enjoy laughing and the occasional sitcom, i'm not really a huge fan of comedy. i don't watch snl or the whole thursday night comedy lineup on nbc. but reading about her love for comedy, in the writer's voice she uses, makes me want to love comedy.

that, i think, is what makes a book worth reading.

crazy love, by francis chan

if you haven't read this book yet, please do yourself a favor and pick up a copy. and then, you know, read it. but read no more than one chapter a day. it's not the kind of book that's so good you can't put it down. it's the kind of book that's so good you need to put it down. take a minute, think about the words, and then apply what you read to your life.

this book is another one that's been sitting at the bottom of the pile for months. i knew it was serious business, and i wasn't sure i was quite ready to give it the attention it required. until my life basically fell apart and i was desperate, so i figured i'd give it a go. in short, it helped. tremendously. each chapter was challenging and hopeful at the same time.

i would recommend this book to anyone who hasn't already read it. or to anyone who has.